its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
