You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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