god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
