There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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