My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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