Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
