It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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