Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize