mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
