i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
