A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize