Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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