if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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