I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
