if you like me you must not know who I am
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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