im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
