New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
