david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
