dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
