Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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