i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
