Pants 0. Shit 1.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
