Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
