went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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