Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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