need another drink. this is the easiest way
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
