This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
