as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
