It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
