i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
