dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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