Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
