90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
