i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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