Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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