I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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