So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
