What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
id be glad to
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
