Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
