just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
