I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
