Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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