I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
