I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
