I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
