only if we run a train.
done.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
