Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
