how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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