Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
