I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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