Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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