1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
