1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Small penises have feelings too.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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