shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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