why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize