Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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