i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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