i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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