plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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