I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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