my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
