I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
