Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
