your thong is hanging out like whoa
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize