Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
