we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want to be your penis for a week.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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